Whether you lost your temper in a heated argument, made a joke that offended someone, or omitted doing something important, your next move is critical.
Do you deny that you did anything wrong, blame the other person for your bad behavior, or ignore it? If you want to repair the relationship, you must make an apology. But not all apologies are effective.
The Science Behind an Effective Apology
Researchers have discovered the six components of a good apology. While not all six must be included in order to be effective, researchers found the more components there were, the more likely the apology would be successful:
- Expression of regret.
- Explanation of what went wrong.
- Acknowledgement of responsibility.
- Declaration of repentance.
- Offer of repair.
To request forgiveness is to accept responsibility. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and make it clear that you are at fault. Don’t apologize for someone else’s feelings—take full responsibility for your behavior. Instead of saying “I’m sorry you were hurt by my words,” say “I’m sorry I said mean things. "This is the most important element in an apology.
The second most important element is to offer a repair. While you may not be able to undo the damage, there are steps you can take to reduce the harm.
These three were tied for third in terms of effectiveness: expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong, and declaration of repentance.
The least effective part of an apology is asking for forgiveness. So if you must leave something out, skip that component.
Communicate Effectively and Sincerely
Obviously, the content of an apology is only half the battle. The delivery matters just as much. If you mumble, avert eye contact, or stand in the corner with your arms crossed, it won’t matter what you say. If you’re still angry, your tone of voice will tell a different story from the words coming out of your mouth. And the apology must be face to face—no texting or emails.
For additional information or to schedule an appointment contact Dr. Barbara Denny at 714-32-6454