You are dating again, and you don’t want to make the same mistake again. How can you measure whether this man has the potential for a long-term healthy relationship? Here are ten key questions to help you make a good choice:
Are you physically attracted to your partner? We all have certain types we are attracted to—big and burly, slim and fair, muscular, etc. These are often imprinted in us at a very early age and can be related to early conditioning. Be honest with yourself in determining if you really enjoy being with this person since you will be looking at and living with him for a long time.
Can your partner take responsibility and acknowledge his part in the ending of past relationships? Unless there is abuse or addiction, both partners have some part in the ending of the relationship. If he sees himself as a victim and describes all prior partners as bitches, watch out, you will be next.
Has your partner been in a long-term relationship before and for how long? He may have some baggage from the past, but if he has been involved in a relationship he shows he can make room for someone else in his life. A person over 40 who has never been in a long-term relationship is higher risk than someone who has some relationship experience.
Is your partner close to their parent of the opposite sex? This gives you a good indication of how you will be treated. Most of the men I have counseled who had good relationships with their mothers—not clingy or intrusive—tended to have more respect for women and treated their wives and girlfriends better than those who had conflicted relationships with their mothers.
Is your partner responsible? Is he financially stable? Does he pay his child support and spousal support? Does he complain about the expenses of raising children? It is a red flag if he is estranged from his family. His explanation for this is only one part of the equation and you may never hear the other side.
Are you comfortable with the level of closeness your partner expresses? If you prefer closeness and cuddling and your partner prefers more distance and seems detached, you will constantly be pursuing him for closeness. People do not change after they recite their marriage vows.
Does your partner have addictions? This can lead to a life of hell. This does not mean you should reject people in recover but it would be wise to avoid anyone who has not had at least one year minimum clean and sober.
Does your partner share at least some of your life interests? In my counseling I give the Myers-Briggs personality assessment. I find that in failed first marriages, people have much less in common and their relationship has been a struggle. People tend to look for more similarities in their subsequent partner in order to have a calmer, more satisfying relationship.
Does your partner share your life goals? Do you want marriage, cohabitation, children, travel? Where do you want to live? Do you want to share most leisure time together or is one involved in an activity which excludes the other. Long-distance relationships have a high failure rate unless one partner is able to relocate within a reasonable period of time. It is important to determine the answers to these questions early in the relationship. Most men will be very upfront at the beginning if you listen carefully. Your agenda is not to try to change the other but to be aware of who and what they are so you can determine if they are a good fit for you.
And last but not least, is your partner in love with you? Does he seem to enjoy being with you and go out of his way to share your company. Does he treat you as if you are special and he would rather be with you more than anyone else in the world? Pay attention to your intuition.
For more information or to schedule an appointment, call Dr. Barbara Denny at 714-832-6454