Myth : An affair inevitably destroys the marriage.
Fact : Many marriages survive affairs. Most marriages where both partners are committed to the marriage and to changing the dynamics that may have supported the affair, emerge stronger from the infidelity crisis.
Myth : Society as a whole supports monogamy and fidelity.
Fact : Society gives lip service to monogamy/fidelity but actually supports affairs with much publicity about infideity and with sexual acting out by presidents, politicians, celebrities of all sorts, especially actors and actresses and through advertisements, TV, new media, literature and the movies.
Myth : Men initiate almost all affairs.
Fact : Infidelity has become an equal opportunity issue in the West where women are less dependent on men for physical and financial support and, therefore, are more willing to risk more by having an affair.
Myth : An affair always means there are serious problems in the marriage.
Fact : research has shown that some of those who engage in affairs reported high marital satisfaction. Others have reported that the secret affair has spiced up their marriage and sex life. The groundbreaking research by Dr. Shirley Glass revealed that many men and women who had affairs reported that their marriages were happy.
Myth : Infidelity is a sign that sex is missing at home.
Fact : Some unfaithful spouses have reported increased marital sex during the period of their affair.
Myth : Infidelity always has to do with a bad marriage or a withholding partner.
Fact : There are many reasons that people may choose to have an affair and, therefore, many types of affair. Each affair must be approached and dealt with differently.
Myth : Full disclosure of all the details of the affair to the betrayed spouse is a prerequisite to healing the marriage.
Fact : Giving the uninvolved partner all the x-rated details of the affair can be haunting, traumatizing and can easily fuel obsessions. Sharing general information regarding when, where, and with whom, how it started and who else knew is often sufficient. Some affairs are best kept secret especially if they are brief and insignificant or may increase the likelihood of domestic violence.
Myth : Extramarital affairs are never consensual.
Fact : Open marriages used to be popular in the 1970s and some are still around. Some couples have reached a consensus regarding extramarital sexual relationships. This is sometimes the case in a heterosexual marriage when one person has decided to pursue gay relationships with the consent of the partner.
Myth : Concerns about AIDS and other STDs reduce the frequency of affairs.
Fact : Statistics do not support this. Not only did AIDS not reduce infidelity. In fact, less than one-half of the individuals reporting sex outside the marriage use safe-sex precautions with primary and secondary sex partners.
Myth : Couples therapy is the best approach to dealing with an infidelity crisis.
Fact : No one approach is the best with any specific psychological problem or crisis. Therapists must take into consideration the type of affair, the personalities, ages, culture, length of marriage and many other factors when constructing a treatment plan. Sometimes a combination of individual and couples therapy may be most effective.
For questions or to schedule an appointment, call Dr. Barbara Denny at 714-832-6454.