Extramarital affairs can impact the primary relationship in significant ways. Here are some areas to consider in determining the damage to the primary relationship:
- What were the frequency, location and duration of the affair? Some affairs are one-night stands only. Others have frequent contacts with the extramarital partner. Duration is also an extremely important factor. Did the affair last two weeks or two decades? Long-term affairs tend to stabilize a primary relationship that is not working and are very difficult to stop. Where did the affair take place. If the affair occurred in the marital bed, the symbolic meaning for the betrayed partner is quite significant. In more and more cases, the affair is primarily emotional and conducted almost entirely by email, texting or phone. Even if there is no physical contact, the intensity of the relationship can have a devastating effect on the marriage.
- What was the number of past sexual partners, both before and during the marriage? A popular sports star was reported to have had a large number of sexual partners both before and after marriage. This person may have a love or sex addiction.
- What was the gender of the affair partner? If the affair was with a member of the same sex, the partner may be gay but living in a heterosexual relationship.
- What was the level of sexual activity: This can range along a continuum from verbal or written communication to intercourse. It could be a lap dance in a public bar to sex in the backseat of a car. It could be lunchtime sexual engagement in a hotel several times a week to a pregnancy and another child or family.
- Was the affair unilateral or bilateral? In some relationships, both partners have had affairs. Did one partner have an affair as retaliation against the other having an affair?
- What was the degree of emotional involvement and attachment? Men tend to have affairs more for sexual reasons and women more for reasons of emotional involvement. Women are more likely to link sex and love while men are better able to keep the two separate.
- What is the partner’s relationship to the extramarital partner? Generally, it is easier to handle an affair when the extramarital partner is someone the betrayed partner does not know. When the extramarital partner is a friend or family member, the sense of betrayal is much greater.
- What was the degree of secrecy and lies around the affair? Affairs which have a long duration usually involve considerable deception and cause severe damage to the trust in a relationship.
- What is the tolerance for an extramarital affair within the couple’s social or cultural group? These factors play a role in how the partners perceive and deal with an affair.
- What is the degree of implicit approval or consent by the betrayed partner? There are some situations in which couples collude in the allowing the behavior to continue without confrontation. This may be done to preserve the appearance of a marriage and for financial reasons.
For more information or to schedule an appoint, phone Dr. Denny at 714-832-6454