Children suffer the most in bad marriages and bitter divorces. Research shows that the quality of the relationship between the parents is the most important factor affecting children’s responses to divorce. Hostile and bitter divorces may affect children through their entire lives. Parents have the power to ease their children’s adjustment to the separation or divorce.
- Shift your own gears from being marriage partners to being parent partners. This means focusing on the present and on your child’s needs and not your past resentments. It is important to stop blaming the other parent and avoid making negative remarks about the other parent in front of your children. This means controlling the other people in your life as well so that your friends and relatives do not disrespect the other parent in the presence of your children.
- Be honest with your child. Both parents together should sit down with the children and explain that they are getting a divorce or separation. The parents need to explain that although they will not live together, they will always love and take care of the children.
- Answer your child’s questions about how the divorce will affect them. They need to know where they will live and who will take care of them. Children often worry that the parent they live with will get sick and die. They need to know that there are many loving and supportive people in their lives. It is important to encourage their questions and answer them honestly.
- But it is important not to share financial, custodial or court battles with your children. Simply reassure them that the adults will make the decisions that are best for them.
- Don’t force your children to choose between Mom and Dad. Research studies show that children adjust better when they are able to maintain a close relationship with both parents.
- Children often feel responsible for their parents’ divorce. Younger children may think that their “bad” behavior caused the break-up. Using the same magical thinking, they may conclude that they have the power to fix the relationship. Reassure the children that they had nothing to do with the break-up and there is nothing they can do to bring the parents back together again.
- Allow the children time to grieve, and realize each may grieve in his own way. Many times the children are not aware of the impending separation a feel a sense of abandonment when the other parent is suddenly gone.
- If you are the non-custodial parent, remain involved. Know what is going on in your child’s life, attend parent-teacher conferences, sporting events, school performances. Be there 100% when your child is with you and save your own socializing for other times. Involve the child in your life—washing the car or cooking a meal together, decorating his own room, visiting your place of work. You don’t have to constantly entertain him. He needs your time and attention and to be part of his life.
- Expect that your child will show some reaction to the divorce since this is a life-changing event for him. Some children will become tearful and dependent; others will act out or be extra good. Younger children may regress to behavior from an earlier developmental stage such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting. Some will attempt to take over the role of the absent parent. It is important to be supportive, loving and flexible rather than strict at this time of transition.
- Make sure you get your own emotional support from other adults during this period. Your children are not your friends or confidantes. You need to be their support rather than having them support you. This may be an excellent time to be in therapy to deal with the changes you are experiencing. Seek Individual or group therapy to assure that you don’t have to go through this alone.
HOW CHILDREN REACT TO DIVORCE AT DIFFERENT AGES
Birth to 2 years
Clings to mothering figure.
Ages 3 to 6
Fears loss of love; may act aggressive, hostile, anxious, may show regressive behavior such as wanting to sleep in the parental bed, thumb-sucking or bedwetting.
Ages 7 to 10
Feels sad, fears abandonment, loss, is angry, may blame himself.
Ages 11 to 13
Experiences intense anger, shame, loyalty conflicts, academic performance may decline.
Ages 14 to 18
Feels caught in the middle, expresses negativity, has frequent mood swings, may spend much time away from home and with peer group.
For help in guiding your children through this transition, contact Dr. Barbara Denny at 714 82 6454